Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
