there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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