I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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