I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
