genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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