So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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