Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
