I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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