he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize