is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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