Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
