I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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