I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
