There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
