it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
