On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i've created a new STD.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
