I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
