I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
