That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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