I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My dick has a subreddit
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
