maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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