I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
