it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
