Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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