You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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