Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
