My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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