No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
