Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
