I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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