dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
