that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize