you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I want her autograph on my taint
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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