Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
