She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
