Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
