i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Operation Purity has been aborted
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
