My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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