he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
