you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
