i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
