my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
