i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
