How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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