I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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