I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize