My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
