Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
