my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
