I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
