If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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