Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
