Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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