Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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