so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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