I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
