Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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