Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
