she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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