Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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