You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
