just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
