I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
