Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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